It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
