we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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