last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
