i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
