I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize