please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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