wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
