How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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