i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
This house was built for laser tag.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
