I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
its liver damage thursday
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
