They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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