Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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