You can't special order awesome
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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