You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
