It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
