Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize