Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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