My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Apparently you make a good broom.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
