I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
tell me about the fingering
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
