I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
