First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
