I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
