If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
