My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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