I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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