He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
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