billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
