somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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