cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
