I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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