is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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