Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
