we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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