i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize