Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize