then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize