I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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