It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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