I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
