My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
