He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize