Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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