It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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