my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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