there's paper in my vomit.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
