Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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