moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
