Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize