You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
