you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
