just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
