I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
