Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
