Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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