dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
