You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
