what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
