Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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