I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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