i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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