I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
