Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
