god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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