Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
